We received this message from a parent over the weekend:
“I was in a children’s soft play centre at the weekend, playing with my little one, and I overheard something that made everything click into place for me over punishing children. I heard some older children, about 7 or 8 playing together, and one of them was calling another boy. He said, ‘come here!’ The other boy replied, ‘no’ and the first boy said ‘Come here, or I’ll break your glasses then!’ which he was holding in his hands, up in the air, to demonstrate the fact.
And it suddenly hit me – this is what children have learnt from punishment. As much as parents try to convince themselves that they are teaching their children a lesson by taking things away, and threatening things that the child won’t like, what the child here had learnt was that if someone won’t do what you want, you threaten to do something that will hurt them, or you take something of theirs away.
Children can see through the rubbish and the fluff to the heart of the matter – if you won’t do what I say, I will make you feel bad, to try to discourage you from doing it again, this behaviour is likely to create a problem teen”
Of course some people even take it that step further and do hurt their children, all in the name of ‘discipline’. But usually a punishment is devised – something that the child does not like, something that is unpleasant for them – to make them do what their parent wants.
Children are Always Learning
For us, a really important point is that children are always learning. They learn from us, they learn from their friends, and they also learn from trying things out for themselves. When they try things out for the first time, it doesn’t always go to plan. Remember when they were learning to walk? That didn’t always go to plan, but every time they tried again, they got that little bit closer to getting up on their two feet and walking away. And in no time at all, there they are, solid on their feet, getting ready to speed off and have you chase after them.
This learning doesn’t end with learning physical skills. As our children grow, they learn more and more about managing their emotions, handling relationships with others, and how the world around them works.
Parents Need to Support Children in their Learning
They need to try and test things to learn what they need to learn. And they need to feel safe in the knowledge that if they make mistakes, you are there for them. They have to feel that they can communicate their mistakes freely to us without judgement. Just as we need to be able to confide our mistakes with our loved ones, without fear of rejection or shame, the same is true for our children. Of course, as a parent it is the same with all new skills – much easier said than done – but with practice it becomes a habitual process and totally natural.
And as we saw in the comment from the parent at the start, our children model us. The way that we treat them and others is how they will go out into the world and treat the people they come across. This is why as parents, one of our greatest parenting skills is to understand ourselves, and to be ourselves authentically. Because today’s child is sensitive and intuitive and can tell if you aren’t being congruent, or you are trying to pull the wool over their eyes. So authenticity and congruency are absolutely critical these days, and this is why the Parent Champion Community places so much importance on the parent and their wellbeing as well as their children and teens.
‘Discipline’ conjures up such negative connotations these days, of out-dated, authoritarian approaches to parenting, that we prefer to use the term ‘coaching children’, because really this is what we are doing. We don’t tell these wonderful, intelligent, spirited children what to do, we coach them into making the appropriate choice for them.
Our 7 steps for Coaching your Child or Teen
1. Resourcefulness and Openness
To create the optimum outcome you need to be in your most resourceful place and be open to what they want.
2. Engagement
When coaching a child it is so important to fully engage them in the conversation. They need to want to explore with you.
3. Patience and Appropriateness
To ensure they will engage you need to wait for an appropriate time to discuss/negotiate an outcome/issue you need to raise.
4. Agendas Aside
You simply cannot have an agenda of your own – you are there to support them and they will sense your intention.
5. Ask, Don’t Tell
Ask them what they think/feel about a situation
Ask them what they think/feel about the options
Ask them what they think/feel about the consequences
6. Really Listen
Really listen deeply to what they are telling you. Use open questions and really feel what they are trying to communicate. Then trust your gut instinct or intuition.
7. Negotiate
They need to feel that they have been listened to and made all of the decisions
If you can learn to follow these steps, respect, and listen to your child or teen, you will find that life becomes a whole lot sweeter. Your child or teen feels validated, and supported, and you learn so much more about them that you didn’t know.
